what drives you crazy in your relationships? whether it’s with a boyfriend or friend, i do have one thing i can’t stand…

it drives me crazy when people are consistently late or flakey. now, i admit i am on time and probably way too anal about it (i’m usually 5-10 mins early) the older i get, i am noticing most people aren’t that way at all. i have a handful of friends that are just as type A as i am and i can count on them to always show up on time and rarely ever flake. and then i have other friendships where i kinda just assume i’m going to be waiting around for them or maybe they will cancel last minute. (to my late friends that might be reading this, i still love you.)

lately i’ve tried to tell myself to CHILL OUT a little about it. i don’t need to take it so seriously. it’s just my main pet peeve in a relationship because i don’t feel like my time is being respected. it’s funny because i’ve tried to be late recently and i’m somehow still the first one there. or i’m just completely ready sitting on the couch waiting to leave. ha. i wish i could be more easy going about it!

and they say opposites attract, right? i guess it’s true because i am usually drawn to those people who live life a little more carefree than i do. but with that, comes this issue.

what’s your main pet peeve in a friendship or relationship? do we share the same one?

ok, i may have a few more…

• bathroom humor
• chewing gum loudly
• passive aggressive comments
• when someone can’t keep a secret
• when something is clearly wrong and they say “nothing” when you ask
• when people owe you money and just don’t pay it back and make you ask
• really loud talking
• name droppers / bragging in an obvious way
• when people say “honey” in a condescending tone

(ha, this is getting funny…)

(read more… “are you friends with your ex?” or “do you make more money?“)

photo: Jean Shrimpton by Richard Avedon, Harper’s Bazaar Cover, 1965


Add your own

    I totally agree Bri! My husband has been nice to adjust his concept of “on time” because when we started dating I was always so stressed out because he was always making us late. But it’s hard in friendships too. I actually had a fight with a very good friend of mine () about it and while we’ve patched things up I sort of feel that there is a small wedge between us now. But I couldn’t help it, I was started to get really offended that she always kept me waiting.

    Tiffany says:

    I agree 100%! I’m very punctual and actually get anxiety when I’m going to be late to anything but my boyfriend is so relaxed with his time it drives me nuts. We’ve had to rush to catch movies and dinner reservations and it just gets me so flustered and in a bad mood. I know I need to relax as well but sometimes there’s a need to hustle and make it on time!

    Kerry Rose says:

    Well, yes! You hit the nail on the head for me. I actually broke up with a guy once because he was consistently late for our dates/hangouts/meet ups/what have you. I would be the one hanging around, waiting on him. Not my favorite thing to do! With friends, I tend to be more relaxed about it (maybe I hold significant others to a higher standard? whoops.) But you’re certainly not the only one sitting on a couch idly!

    bri emery says:

    kristin – ha! i hate that too…

    rach says:

    I don’t like passive people…and ironically, I can be very passive. I don’t like confrontation from my side, but I always want people to tell me what they are feeling. I’d rather be yelled at or loved on lavishly than have to guess what someone is feeling. I’m working on developing these skills within myself too.

    Amber says:

    I can not stand it when people are late! I have a few friends that I know I will be waiting around for them for up to 30 minutes and it’s SO disrespectful to me. I also know people who have friends who are almost always two hours late; you have to tell her to show up 2 hours prior to the actual time for her to even get close! SO irritating; it is just blatantly disrespectful.

    Vanessa says:

    I’m like that, too. I’m on time 99% of the time and when i’m not, because this or that (mostly waiting on the nanny for the little one) i call at least 20 minutes in advance to let people know i might be a little late.
    And I do also feel like my time is not being respected, like people feel thier time is more important than the one they’re making wait. It’s very frustrating.
    Now I always take a book with me so I don’t feel so stressed about waiting and i’m very clear about the time i’m going to wait before I leave.

    jess says:

    I can do late people, but the flakiness is hard for me. More than annoying me, though, it genuinely hurts my feelings because it seems like they either forgot about me or found a better option. Even if that’s not the case and they’re not putting that much thought behind their flakiness, I am haha.

    Cinthya says:

    I’m with you!
    I have to admit i HATE when people are late… I really hate it and as much as I try to relax I just can’t. I don’t think I’ll ever understand people being late, I guess I’ll just have to live with that. Luckily my boyfriend is always on time!

    Andrea Rand says:

    It’s so interesting that you wrote about this today because my husband and I were just arguing about this same issue recently. Him and I both tend to lean more towards having Type A personalities, but for whatever reason, he does not like showing up to events/social gatherings on time. It’s crazy to me because he is SO anal about other things, but punctuality is not important to him. It drives me crazzyyy! I think that out of respect for others, it is always important to be on time to any commitments, no matter how important or unimportant they may seem.
    While this may be a pet peeve of mine, I can get over it, but something that is intolerable for me is having poor table manners. Chewing with your mouth open, talking while you have food in your mouth, hunching over your food, smelling your food, the list goes on- I can’t stand it. In fact, I’ve been known to call people out for having poor table manners; I just find it repulsive. haha Thanks for sharing your post! <3

    Alex says:

    Oh yes. Even when you plan to be a bit late, you’ll still be first. Because you only plan to be minimally late whereas the others will be as late as they can get away with. I am either way, depending on the situation, so I find that the person who can be counted on being early is the one who tends to lead the group. Everyone else wants to be there only if you are.

    lila says:

    Those are hard to deal with it indeed but my pet peeve in a friendship and most especially in a relationship is stinginess. It.drives.me.crazy. I can’t stand cheapskates.

    erica says:

    you hit the nail on the head with “i don’t feel like my time is being respected.”

    this is absolutely one of my pet peeves, and my boyfriend of 2+ years and best friends for over 10 years is the opposite of this. always 10-15 minutes late, i’m waiting on him way more than he ever waits on me. i even said that exact thing to him once that it was “a matter of respect,” and that just doesn’t resonate i don’t think.

    side is, it has definitely taught me patience with other people 🙂

    Lynne says:

    Being late consistently is just completely disrespectful, as if their time is more valuable than theirs. There are some friends I just won’t really make plans with now, because I know they are likely to pull out at the last minute. Also, I find different attitudes to money quite difficult to deal with. Recently I have been in quite a sticky patch financially – it sort of surprises me that friends won’t treat me more, even to coffee. Not that they should of course but I would be pretty generous if the tables were turned. I could never date someone who is tight with their money.

    Rachelle says:

    People who are constantly complaining drives me INSANE. I usually want to scream shut up!!!!

    sara kim says:

    I love how you said “i’ve tried to be late recently and i’m somehow still the first one there” because I totally do the same thing!!!!

    Eileen tomson says:

    Bri, it sounds like we had the same boyfriend/friends! All of the above drive me crazy, and when you are having a nice dinner and the boyfriend answers the phone and talks for 15 minutes, not honoring or being mindful of the significant other sitting across from him.

    KC says:

    OH MY GOD rant time:

    i hate when people (ESPECIALLY ones i don’t know well) call me honey or another term of “endearment.” a few years ago i was selling something on craigslist and when talking on the phone with the woman who was going to buy it from me, and i suggested she just come pick it up from my house. she had no idea if i would be home alone, if my huge bodybuilder boyfriend would be with me, or what. but she — in the MOST condescending tone, as if i was 8 years old — said “oh HONEY you never wanna have a stranger come to your house!” even though she had good intentions, i was steaming. she had no idea how old i was other than what she could guess by the sound of my voice, so i SHOULD have said, “excuse me, ‘honey?’ i’m a grown ass woman.” i almost didn’t sell to her but i wanted to get rid of the item bad enough that when we did meet, i just handed it to her, took the money, and got out of there.

    mai says:

    ohmygosh, i am so with you about being on time! it drives me crazy when people are late!

    Noor says:

    Back when I was still single and dating things like someone putting their elbows on the table would drive me crazy or anything involved with manners. Now that I’m married, I hate not being on the same page especially when you have kids.

    100% completely agree! The saying time is money is absolutely true, whether you are measuring in currency or not. As so many of us live crazy hectic lives every moment counts. My priority in life is family and friends above anything so if you waste my time and keep me waiting or make a commitment that you back out of, you have essentially taken away from me those moments I treasure most in life. Now this is more so for work relationships than anything else, but I also have friends, and don’t get my wrong I have been guilty of it too, that certainly are very loose about being on time and I have to say it drive me crazy. It’s mostly about respect and if you don’t respect my time you don’t respect me. Okay that’s my rant.

    Maria says:

    I am usually the late one. I try so hard to be on time, but it always fails. Anyway, my biggest pet peeve is when people are always negative. It just brings down the moods of everyone else.

    Melissa says:

    Oh, yes, late/flakey is the worst. Along the same line of disrespecting time, my biggest pet peeve is people who always bail. I feel like it’s become the norm, which is brutal. One particular event got me so worked up I wrote a post about it – . #nomorebailers

    Cintya says:

    My biggest pet-peeve would be dragging a joke along for too long, especially towards me. I’m all for a good laugh and jokes but once it becomes a repetitive thing, it gets old and annoying.

    Amanda says:

    I cannot stand when people turn the conversation to be about them each and every time. Every response is a little tidbit or fact about them, their life, their experience. It’s such a terrible thing to witness on the other end. I have a friend who does this and doesn’t even know it. For a while I was trying to realize why our conversations kept going no where and then I figured it out!

    Something that really gets my blood boiling is when people talk down about themselves. For example, they say something like,”I graduated from [insert college name] but everyone gets into that school.” Or you compliment their hair and they say,”My hair!? No, it’s disgusting, I hate it.” It is really hard to have a conversation with someone who is constantly apologizing for who they are!

    Christina says:

    I can’t stand that either. I had a friend who was late all of the time too. She would also cancel on me frequently, too. I would text her the day before or the morning before to confirm if we were still on for our date & she gave me crap for constantly confirming. Well if you weren’t late or would cancel on me, I wouldn’t do that! On top of that, not caring when they’re late. Ugh.

    Alexis says:

    Ha! Nice post. That is my number one pet peeve and lately I too have found myself completely ready waiting on the couch trying to be late… And still arriving first! Also the ‘honey’ comment is just the worlds worst!!

    daria says:

    I feel the exact same way about people being late! And while the boys have mostly been polite, almost all of my girlfriends are constantly doing this. It kills me to have to wait, especially since I get anxious about not being in time to an event/thing.

    Kai Chan says:

    If I’m with hearing people, (I’m deaf) I hate not knowing if they’re listening or not. It’s hard to tell if they’re looking at something else. But then with my boyfriend, he gets annoyed when I sign something too fast. Oops!

    Sarah says:

    yeah, there is just no room for passive aggressive friends in my life. I refuse to surround myself by people who have a problem, and can’t just come out and tell me. This is definitely true of my husband. In some ways we are alike, and in others we are very different. I don’t think there’s a certain formula to a relationship that works, it completely varies based on the two people involved.

    Elisha ferguson says:

    When they say nothing is wrong and clearly something is! This is my biggest pet peeve. I’m a social worker so I am probably more talk-about-your-feelings-if-you’re-having-them than most people but it drives me crazy when my partner is clearly upset with me and continues with the ‘I’m fine’ bit. Gosh.

    Anna says:

    This is literally the exact same issue I have with most of my friends. I JUST got stood up at the bar by a friend of mine. As you said, she was way late and then finally called to say she couldn’t make it at all. I spend $10 on a cocktail I didn’t drink and wasted over 30 minutes of my very important time. Same as you, I’m rarely to never late and I promise it’s not that hard. Phew, I need to let go as well!!

    Haha! That last one REALLY gets me. I hate it when people call me honey or sweetie. And here in the south it’s a standard part of many people’s vocabulary.

    Colleen says:

    When we started dating, my boyfriend was the biggest flake in the world. He would show up an hour or two later than the time he said he would come over, and he would make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute. After this happened a few times I finally called him out on it and nicely explained to him that it was extremely rude and told me that I wasn’t a priority to him. He said he never even realized he was coming off that way (I mean, he was 23 so maybe that’s an excuse for his naiveté?), and ever since then he has been on time and committed to plans. It’s just amazing to me to that people don’t even REALIZE that it’s rude to be a flake!

    I agree with all of them. The being on time thing is getting actually quite frustrating with my friends, because none of them are ever on time.
    I´m working on chilling with it too. How do you manage to do it? It´s proving to be more dificult than I thought for me.

    Donnie says:

    Most definitely annoyed by name-dropping/know-it-all attitude AND 2-faced personalities. The 10 minutes late thing I can deal with… it creates a peaceful moment with myself.

    Michelle says:

    I hate it when people call me “honey”, “sweetie” or any other term of endearment in a condescending tone (that’s passive aggressive). No thanks! I have a best friend who is constantly late, but I’ve learned to accept it & just give her some slack. I know I need that slack in other areas of my life. If it’s really bothersome, I definitely think there should be compromise between the two parties. 🙂

    Joanie says:

    I am never late but I am guilty of talking too loud. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? hahaha I grew up in a family with 7 kids and I was the middle child. All 7 in 11 years! Can you just imagine the chaos? If you wanted to be heard, you had to be loud. I’m now in my 50’s and just realizing how annoying I can be. I am very conscious of it and catch myself quite often speaking too loud.

    Kerry says:

    Ha! Yes! Being late stresses me out so much. My husband and I always end up being the first people somewhere no matter how long we wait and try to be “fashionably late.” It’s hilarious.

    KATERINA says:

    I’m with you in all of these! I hate when people complain all the time especially when there is no reason for it. I’m a good listener but I just can’t stand whining, it drives me crazy!

    Becky says:

    hi bri,

    this is actually something that’s been on my mind lately because i would let all of these little things get a hold of me and i would get really cranky and pissed about it. if it’s something that bothers me, i’ll say something, but at the same time i’ve realized that is just how that person might be and i have to accept them as who they are. i’ve also realized (mostly with myself) is that i may be reacting to something and just may not know how to deal with it. maybe people say “nothing” when something is bothering them it’s because they’ve always thought that if they have a problem, they should deal with it and not let anyone else have to worry about it (that’d be me). i’m learning there’s usually something deeper to why a person is the way they are. so i’ve been working on just loving people for who they are…no matter how much they drive me crazy. sorry for rambling, it’s just nice to know other people are having the same thoughts as i am. thanks bri!


    yvonne says:

    Oh man Bri! We are kindred spirits I think. Everything you said in that post I feel on a very consistent basis. Thankfully, it mostly with my friend relationships and not my love life. But everything has to be weighed out, at some point you have to decided what that time to you means in each relationship, they are not all the same. Good Luck girl!

    Daisy says:

    Hi Bri,

    I agree with you on the whole “on-time” thing haha!

    Also, pet peeve about friendships, is that they think I’m “too modest” or they think I try “too hard” to be decent and a lot of time they make comments that I try to not let it get to me. My parents raised me to respect myself, but I don’t think some of my friends understand that.

    Another pet peeve is when you go out (dinner, coffee, ect.) and your friends or whoever your’re with are on their phone the whole time. That just irritates me.

    Caisee says:

    I’d say the late thing definitely gets a bit annoying! I’m not someone who’s late, like ever. And if I am I’m generally in freak out mode and stuck in the wonderful traffic that LA loves so much. STRESS! haha Other things that make me insane; needy girlfriends! They make me cringe and generally I avoid the friendship all together because I just have things to do and I don’t feel like working so hard to maintain that kind of friendship. I’m a loner at heart, but when I have friends who need constant validation of our friendship 24/7 otherwise they think you’re mad at them (rolling eyes) life is busy!

    kaela d. says:

    Hahaha I am one of the late people. Always. Funny enough, sometimes I try to be early and I end up being either right on time….OR…..I AM early and the appointment/person/thing I’m there for is LATE. Never fails. So I just stick to my old habits. 😉

    Weirdly enough I sometimes get annoyed when the guy I’m dating is early. I’m like wth don’t you have things to be doing? You KNEW I would be late and you still chose to sit around for 20 mins by yourself? hahahaha

    Backwards logic. I don’t question myself. LOL

    kelsey says:

    Oh, passive aggressive comments. The WORST.

    Nathalia says:

    bathroom humor!!!! ugh! the worst!

    Rebecca says:

    I used to beat myself up for being chronically late but recently learned it was associated with having an ADD-addled brain that, in my case, seems to lack a functioning internal clock. I have no sense for how long things take – even things that I do every day. And I get distracted. Knowing it’s a ‘thing’ helps myself and my friends be more patient. Thankfully, I bring a lot of other good stuff to the table.

    On the other hand, when friends of mine are late, I usually feel bad for them because it’s freaking stressful. Then I find a place to sit, get lost in some thoughts, order a drink, people-watch, or pull out a book. What’s so bad about that?

    Jess Zimlich says:

    One of my pet peeves in relationships also centers around being respectful of other people and their time. I have a friend who (admittedly) tries to fill every single spare minute of my time with….herself. It’s overwhelming and wears on me. I feel like I’m CONSTANTLY telling her no and it sucks.

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